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  • Writer's pictureAlice Wyatt

My Poor Yoga Teacher

Updated: Oct 9, 2022

Elephant Mantra

On the yoga mat, in an upside down position,

Down Dog, the instructor instructs,

the unflattering view of breasts

smashed flat against her torso

comes into focus

An elephant lumbers through her mind.

She recalls her last visit to the zoo. An

elephant swaying back and forth, two small

triangles of flesh swinging between its

thick front legs.

Thank God for a sports bra or I would

have saggy, baggy elephant tits.

eyes travel from breasts to

saggy, baggy thighs to saggy, baggy knees.

Crepey, middle-aged skin, usually

hidden under a fashionable skirt or

hugged by - just the right amount of Lycra - jeans

is available for close-ups.

How can even knees get wrinkles?! I need to go

through my drawers, get ride of all my shorts.

The calves are ok, tanned with defined muscles -

the feet broad, nails square, unpolished.

Why do circus elephants have painted nails?

Is that just in kids books? Are there even circus

elephants anymore? I should really paint my toes.

If you paint your toes people think you are well

put together for some reason. Not red though, red

is a bit much, maybe a soft grey? I like grey.

The yoga instructor is looking at her. Yes? Oh,

time for laying flat, Shavasana, the final pose.

Time to meditate on an intention to take one

through the day.

I am a woman, a strong beautiful woman.

Iamnotanelephant. Iamnotanelephant. Iamnotanelepahant.

I - am - not - an - elephant.



A bit of silliness for your day. What do YOU think about during yoga class? Now you know what I think about... sheesh. My instructor is a saint.

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I think about words.... Yogi for example, Yougo, etc.



Hehe, I thought of everything under the sun but mainly, "please no farting!"

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